Guatemala is a video game

"You have just conquered the world of Belize. Congratulations. But you are far from finished. The path ahead of you is filled with awe and beauty, and you must carefully navigate your way through caves and mountains, and bribe guards if you wish to make it through this gruelling challenge: Guatemala. Suit up boys, it's go time."

Stage One: Cross the Border

I wonder just what does go through the head of a border official (ie/ bribe master) when they see three gueros (white boys) pulling up to their gate in a Pathfinder. It's not a good sign when you see them lapping their lips and rubbing their hands together. Especially since they have guns.

Clearly, we're stopped for a bribe.

More clearly, we're not impressed.

Most clearly, they don't care.

So, Charles, the Englishman who's giving us a lift, parks the car in the middle of the road, thus reducing their flow of traffic from two-way to one-way and goes to find his "fixer" (50 points) . Well, what the shit man. This is riduclous. I have to find out what's going on. So, I approach the female guard (most certainly more susceptible to my charms) to find out.

Jonathan: "Hello, lovely day for a bribe isn't it? *giggle*"

Guard: "You have to pay 150Q."

Jonathan: "Oh is that so? Okay. Hmmm, but I've just been watching for 30 minutes and I noticed that you didn't charge any other cars?..."

Guard: "They're locals and they have already paid. You are not, and you have to pay 150Q."
Jonathan: "What do you MEAN I'm not a local!?"

*first signs of a chink in the armour, she smiled... oh it's on.*

Jonathan: "Okay, okay... Oh, I see. But look at that tourist bus that just passed. Clearly, as you said, they must have already paid to enter."

Guard: "Well, yes." *obviously lying, and we both know it* "well... Your friend is taking pictures!"

Jonathan: "No he's not! But even if he WAS, it's only cause you're so beautiful." *clearly lying again, but only one of us knows it this time* "How could he possibly help himself?"

Guard: *smiles, flashing her gaudy golden teeth at Jonathan* "Well, oh you're something else aren't you?"

Jonathan: "I'm just telling the truth!" *God forgive me*


(the taste of victory is near)

At this point, the bribe comes down to 1/3 the original price. This is acceptable to both parties. We push on. A small victory, but a tasty one.

Stage Two: Get to where you're going.

The path is dangerous. There will be many obstacles in your way. And not a single road sign.



(Guatemala, first impression)

Sweet, passed the cows. Although this is huge, don't let your ego get the best of you.



(Guatemala, second impression)

Didn't crash looking at the beautiful country that is Guatemala. Also a key stage in victory.


(Third impression. I am pretty sure that if we had stayed, we may have met the smurfs. Alas, it was just too dingy.)

Avoided the dingy hostel and the almost-certain bedbug feeding frenzy. Sick boys, you cleared the level! Now get to bed.

Stage Three: Sunrise at Tikal.

Up early for sunrise at another ruined Mayan city. This time, the largest of them all! Tikal. We drove to Tikal for 5:20 in the morning to see the sunrise. Alas, we didn't have a guide, which apparently you need to have to get in before 6:00 in the morning. Diggity, looks like you'll be eating sandwiches in the parking lot.

So we missed the sunrise, big whoop. Aparently, there wasn't one to be seen anyway, as there was a tonne of cloud cover. The good part of all of this, is that we were in at 6:00 before the crowds arrived. And that is special. We had the whole place to ourselves!


("OMG! It's a temple!")


("OMG! It's another temple!")


("OMG! It's a... Wait, we can climb this? Ding DONG!")

Just FYI, if you're considering going, the cost tripled two months ago, it's now 150Q, not 50Q. And in other news, sneak-ins are on the rise in Tikal.

Stage Four: Full moon sunset.

As the tour busses were rolling into Tikal, we were rolling out. We went back to a small town on an island in the middle of a small lake, called Flores. It was really quite laid back there, and had a good hostel, so we stayed for a few days.

This level is deceptibly easy. The only thing you have to do, is avoid getting shit on by a parrot.


(a hostel pet in Guatemala)


(It's always nice to have company when you eat. Probably looking for his family. Unfortunately for him, I think he will see them on another plane sooner than later; it was almost dinner hour.)


(a less than spectacular sunset, but still tranquil and beautiful)


(full moon rising, full sun setting)


(nooooooooo!)

As you can see, I had to repeat this level a few times.


Stage Five: Cave, tube, chill.

We parted ways with Charles in Flores. He is on a tighter schedule than us, and decided to shove on quickly. After a few days, Logan and I hopped in a shuttle bus and went down to Lanquin.

Lanquin is a very quiet little place, surrounded by mountains and water.


(dusk in Lanquin)

The hostel we stayed at was packed full of tourists just there to hang out, relax, and spend some time in nature. It was nestled beside a little river that you could tube down, or just use to cool off during the hot days. I haven't stopped sweating in months.


(cutting the hostel grass: John Deere really needs to do some better market research)


(down by the river)


(home sweet home, well at least, the loft on top of the 2nd door)

And about 30 minutes away by truck was one of the most beautiful natural wonders in Guatemala, called Semuc Champey.


(taking a time-out, getting down with the nature)


(great appreciation for this beautiful scene)

Semuc was a fantastic trip. First, you get a chance to jump off a great rope swing. Then, they give you candles and guide you through an extensive cave system. You wade and swim your way through by candle-light. Here it becomes clear that you're no longer in Kansas, Toto. In Canada, this would definitely be a helmet-required expedition. Here, the guides don't even wait for you.

Next, you tube lazily down the river (if this were Laos, there would've been people pulling us into their beer shacks with bamboo -- alas, they're not as entrepreneurial here). Then you go and jump off a bridge. "Liability? What is that?"



(why we have insurance)


(hint: when jumping from such great heights, close your legs and your jaw)


(cross-legged with the peace signs: mad style points)

Finally they give you a few hours to just walk around the grounds, go exploring, and buy some chocolate.



(chocolate seller at Semuc... you think you started working early on?)


(the fonz!)


(jack-knife meets belly-flop, more yoga necessary)

Most excellent.

Final Boss: TBD?

A Ding and a dong, and Belize is gone!

Note: Caye is pronounced "key"

We blew through Belize like an afternoon breeze,
Most of our time was spent in the Cayes,
Bronzing and snorkellin', drinking some rum,
We figured out why it's a place people come.
But alas things are costly, so we got on a rocket,
And headed for the border, with not a dolla in our pocket!

Observations made during my very brief stay (about a week) in a limited area of Belize:

• One man, Barry Bowen, owns a monopoly on the beer in Belize; Belikin beer -- and it's not even that good. Barry is a apparently a very good business man, which generally (although not necessarily) means he's slightly bent in da head. For example, rumour has it that another brewing company started up once upon a time in Belize. Barry no likey. Barry likey monopoly. Barry will crushy. However, instead of making better beer, he just bought all 250,000 beer bottles (which are normally re-used, which is why there's a deposit on them when you buy them) at 5x the price of the deposit, and crushed them all, then used the glass to make the cement for his next brewery. The competition couldn't afford more capital and was desolved. But hey, it's all hearsay.
  
• English is an official language, the only country in Central America where this is true. Although it *sounds* like it's english most people are speaking, they're actually speaking a dialect of English Creole. From what I can tell, this means that instead of saying "we are having a lovely proper jam session" they say "we be jammin', mon"
  
• It's full of palm trees, and is very green at this time of year.
• It's expensive compared to neighbouring countries to DO anything, and to eat.
  
• They Caye's are full of black people, and Chinese people own the grocery stores and there are a huge # of Chinese restaurants
• Golf carts are far have more than just one use: they are the transportation of choice on the Caye islands
  
• it's SO relaxed -- everytin' aight, mon!

So we crossed the border from Mexico from Chetumal, which ended up taking us twice as long as expected (note, if you want to get across the border, go when it's open -- you can always hop it, but that somehow seems a little sketchy, and makes getting out of the country a little tricker too, I hear).



(a golf cart I hitched a ride on with Jose)

When we did get to Belize, we ended up catching the last boat out to one of the Caye's. The pet on the dock let us know we were somewhere different.



(What happened to cats and dogs?)


Turns out, it wasn't going to the island we thought it was. Whoops; ah well, accept it as it was, not as we wanted it to be. Plus, this just gave us another reason to check out a new place.

Caye Ambergris is the more developed and more touristy (read: expensive) of the two islands. We spent the night there, and headed for Caye Cauker the next day. Caye Cauker is much more laid back, and might freeze if it becomes any more chill.



(this pretty much sums it all up)

We spent a few great days in Caye Cauker. We think there was a porno being made beside our cabin for the first few nights, so we moved out, to a far more tranquil (yet somehow, less exciting) place. This will be laughed about for a good long time I believe. I would share the dialogue with you, but this post shall remain PG/13.

We went snorkelling one day. We went with the most eco-friendly option: a sailboat. And it didn't hurt that they drowned us with free rum and lunch.


(Oh Pirates, yes, they robbed I!)

Belize is home to the 2nd largest Barrier Reef in the world. We swam with some sharks (which, contrary to popular opinion, are wussies. I could totally take one), manta rays, groupers, and an assortment of other tropical fish and corals that looked mostly like brains. Oh, and I could see!! The day we left Mexico, I picked up a slightly poorly fitted pair of contacts that have done the job quite well. For those of you that can't see without assistance, you know what a huge deal this is!



(a whole lot of sissies)


One day we saw seahorses. Unfortunately they were in a jar.



(jar full of seahorses, facefull of Logan)

Of course, I had to jump off the Rasta bar's diving board a few times.


(do not attempt this at home, if you do, close your legs)

They have a very nice rum in Belize, called One Barrel...


(individual results may vary; bottle of One Barrel: $4; Jumping off the dock in the dark in your undies and posting it to your blog... priceless.)

Our last day in Belize, we ran into Charles, the English fella that we met in Palenque that gave us a ride up to Tulum, in Mexico. Turned out he was heading the same way we were, so we decided to head that way together.

We left the Caye's behind, and with a brief stop in Belize city to get Charles' car, we were off.


(the true Belize city: white man, black man, rasta man)

As we were trying to decide whether or not to push through the border or not, we consulted the Lonely Bible and found a really great spot really close to the border, called Barton Creek Outpost.



(Barton Creek Outpost)

This place was touted as the gem of Belize.


(the only sign, on the main road, to get to Barton Creek)


Although it wasn't particularly easy to get to, about 45 minutes of off-roading without a single sign along the way...


(Well, okay, ONE sign: Across the CREEK? Where ARE we?)


(well, well, no joke!)


...when we showed up, it was like a hidden paradise. Around the table sat a bunch of surfer/ski-bum type dudes, a guitar lying to the side, the whole lot playing poker on a deck that overlooked a river, that cut through the jungle where this place was located.


(quiet, beautiful jungle river)

There was a giant rope swing, which we managed to use without experiencing any kind of sustained injuries.


(Tarzogan)

For the most part, we just chilled out. Then off the next morning, to Guatemala, where we find ourselves now.

Hope you're dancing a jig.

Can you dig it?! -- updated, more pics!

(I can dig it!)


("sure Logan, I'll bury you in your hole")


I never thought I'd say this, but here it is: I'm in Cancun.


(yes, this is Cancun and what GIVES with that bathing suit)


Logan and I ended up catching a ride with an English guy (who incidetally bought his car in Vancouver, and has driven down to Mexico) and a Spanish gal (who incidentally lives in England) from Palenque to Tulum. We skipped a bunch of the touristy stuff, like waterfalls, because the weather was so rainy and they were apparently less than spectacular at this time of year. Plus, sweet ride!

We arrived in the Yucatan after a long car-ride of as many 80's tunes as we could handle (catering to the crowd -- it was a riot being the young kids for a change), to a city called Tulum. I don't have any pics here of Tulum, as they don't have a DVD reader at this place, and my pics are on DVD (although I'm sure that you could have logically put that together without me spelling it out, it makes my post longer, and after all, I do get paid by the word, as you may have guessed based on the incredible length of this completely unnecessary sentence, which turns out to be completely false anyway).


(military checkpoint)

Right, the pics of Tulum (us in the rain). It rained for the 3 days that we were there. However, we did manage to go to the beach a few times, as I think I mentioned in my last post.


(sometimes the wind blows in Tulum apparently)


(not my fault, it's genetic)

We also checked out some ruins at Coba, in the rain.

(I'm at the top)


The highlight of that day was the cult dressed in white that climbed to the top of "the" pyramid (some 42 m high, and the largest in Mesoamerica.. this may not be accurate, but none of you would've checked if I hadn't written this) -- sideways, might I add... apparently to harness the energies of the pyramid *cough* bullshit *cough* -- and did some get-freaky song ritual at the top, in the rain. I felt badly for the one white-dressed fella in the wheelchair at the bottom of the pyramids. He was all alone, and getting rained on. But that was okay because "you are there in spirit, the body is only a vessel" (or some*cough*bullshit*cough*thing).


(!)

From Tulum, we headed to Isla Mujares (Woman Island) off the coast of Cancun. The second we got on the ferry for the island, the sun started shining, and it hasn't stopped since. Booya!


(Isla Mujares)


(delicious fish dinner)

Let's see, again, I don't have the pics to go with the story, but here's a good day: In the morning, the three pranksters (Olatz, Logan, and I) decided to hitch-hike to the far end of the island. Or walk, it was only 8 km, whichever came first. Well a few clicks into the walk, a *very* friendly Mexican man pulled over in his golf cart to give us a ride.



(what a pimp ride - the house behind us, although not a great picture, is pretty incredible. It's the house of an architect, and is shaped like a conch shell.)


Being a gentleman, I took the front seat (the hot seat.. the one that has to talk to the driver). After about 5 minutes (in which time we talked about origin, family, blood types, and how good looking I am) he had put his arm around me and pulled me close. This was a fat man. And he was HAMMERED. Did I mention this was before 11 AM? Right, anyway, no worries Jonno, free ride, the Mexicans are just friendly people. Then the hand works its way onto the leg. My leg. My thy to be exact. My inner thy. Ummm, free ride, free ride, he's drunk, we're cool.



("ummm, you're cute and all, and I dig the bling, but por favor, señor...the hand must go")

After a brief stop for water and a reprieve from sexy-time, we got back in dr. swerves-a-lot golf cart on our ride around bizarro-land. Eventually we were all wigged out and just told him to stop and we got out. Great. Now where were we. Thankfully, we saw red plastic chairs at a restaurant just a few minutes back.


(deceptive red chaired restaurant)

As an aside, plastic chairs are the backpackers gold in Mexico. I may dedicate a whole blog entry to them at some point in the future. They're the number one indicator of cheap eats. Follow this rule and you'll save thousands (individual results may vary).

Alas, these are special Yucatan red chairs. Still American prices. Damn. Guacamole it was (and still $8!). BUT, the owner-chef took a liking to us. I don't blame him really. He deals with fat package tourists who think it's a splendid deal to pay $15 for a meal, day in and day out, and we were a broke-but-welcome change of scenery. So after our guac, he showed us where to go for free snorkeling and gave us some masks and snorkels.


(snorkel fight, par for the course)

What a beautiful thing! Afterwards, we returned to his restaurant and had a few "red-eyes" -- beer with clamato juice, lime, pepper, and probably something else I'm forgetting.

Another aside, Clamato = Clam + Tomato. Who KNEW!?

Then he brought us a load of free seafood with nachos, and free beers, and dolled out tonnes of great information about Belize (where we're heading next). Just a great guy. After the last of the "other" tourists left, he shut down the restaurant and we hopped in his truck for a bit of an island tour.



(the water in the Yucatan is gorgeous)



(sometimes, you just gotta yell at the ocean)


Although all the places were shut, he's a bit of a big deal on the island apparently, and got us in for free to some great places on the island (like a giant lighthouse that overlooks a metal-art park on a peninsula in the ocean).


(view from the lighthouse, look at all that twisted metal... "art")

After the tour, we headed for some eats, and then partied all throught the night. Deeelicious day.
Right, so from Isla, we came to Cancun. Olatz had to fly out of Cancun back to the homeland, and we were done with the island anyway. While looking for a hostel, we were bombarded by a man offering another hostel. Usually this is the kind of thing that gets a "gracias" (which is, no thanks) and a walk-by, but for some reason we decided to chat. It sounded like a pretty good deal, so he called the owner who came and picked us up.

That night, we stayed in the nicest place I've stayed on my trip. We were in Cancun, but not really in Cancun. It was totally laid back, the staff were so great, we were some of the only guests, we had our own beach, and then there was the room. We opened the doors, and there was a California king bed to greet us, with the air con and the TV. Around the corner there was the gigantic bathroom with a shower with a view, beday (which of course I accidently sprayed myself in the face with while trying to figure out how to work it), and walk in closet that could sleep 15.


(bling bling look at the King!)

Oh, not to mention our ocean-view, and breakfast IN BED. All for $13 each. Baaaam!


(the view from bed)

After Olatz left, we decided to move downtown, to be more in the heart of the action. Last night, we found the action. One two skip a few, and then today, we were awakened by some friends from Puerto Escondido (and subsequently San Cristobal), a lovely surprise! And we headed to the beach (we couldn't not see the beach in Cancun now could we...).


(friends from previous places)


Which takes us to where we are now, digging holes in the beach. Today we skipped going to Chitzen Itza (one of the most important and impressive Mayan ruin sites in Mexico along with Palenque), to dig holes in the beach. This was definitely the right decision.


(we attracted a fan club)


(it's a celebration, LOOK at that hole!)


(the cancun sand really sticks to the velcro on my chest)

And this brings me to the end of my first Mexican adventure.... que estraña! It's been quite a trip, that's for sure. Thanks to those who made it wicked.

And now, onward to Belize!