Where's Jonno?: Guatemala is a video game

"You have just conquered the world of Belize. Congratulations. But you are far from finished. The path ahead of you is filled with awe and beauty, and you must carefully navigate your way through caves and mountains, and bribe guards if you wish to make it through this gruelling challenge: Guatemala. Suit up boys, it's go time."

Stage One: Cross the Border

I wonder just what does go through the head of a border official (ie/ bribe master) when they see three gueros (white boys) pulling up to their gate in a Pathfinder. It's not a good sign when you see them lapping their lips and rubbing their hands together. Especially since they have guns.

Clearly, we're stopped for a bribe.

More clearly, we're not impressed.

Most clearly, they don't care.

So, Charles, the Englishman who's giving us a lift, parks the car in the middle of the road, thus reducing their flow of traffic from two-way to one-way and goes to find his "fixer" (50 points) . Well, what the shit man. This is riduclous. I have to find out what's going on. So, I approach the female guard (most certainly more susceptible to my charms) to find out.

Jonathan: "Hello, lovely day for a bribe isn't it? *giggle*"

Guard: "You have to pay 150Q."

Jonathan: "Oh is that so? Okay. Hmmm, but I've just been watching for 30 minutes and I noticed that you didn't charge any other cars?..."

Guard: "They're locals and they have already paid. You are not, and you have to pay 150Q."
Jonathan: "What do you MEAN I'm not a local!?"

*first signs of a chink in the armour, she smiled... oh it's on.*

Jonathan: "Okay, okay... Oh, I see. But look at that tourist bus that just passed. Clearly, as you said, they must have already paid to enter."

Guard: "Well, yes." *obviously lying, and we both know it* "well... Your friend is taking pictures!"

Jonathan: "No he's not! But even if he WAS, it's only cause you're so beautiful." *clearly lying again, but only one of us knows it this time* "How could he possibly help himself?"

Guard: *smiles, flashing her gaudy golden teeth at Jonathan* "Well, oh you're something else aren't you?"

Jonathan: "I'm just telling the truth!" *God forgive me*

(the taste of victory is near)

At this point, the bribe comes down to 1/3 the original price. This is acceptable to both parties. We push on. A small victory, but a tasty one.

Stage Two: Get to where you're going.

The path is dangerous. There will be many obstacles in your way. And not a single road sign.

(Guatemala, first impression)

Sweet, passed the cows. Although this is huge, don't let your ego get the best of you.

(Guatemala, second impression)

Didn't crash looking at the beautiful country that is Guatemala. Also a key stage in victory.

(Third impression. I am pretty sure that if we had stayed, we may have met the smurfs. Alas, it was just too dingy.)

Avoided the dingy hostel and the almost-certain bedbug feeding frenzy. Sick boys, you cleared the level! Now get to bed.

Stage Three: Sunrise at Tikal.

Up early for sunrise at another ruined Mayan city. This time, the largest of them all! Tikal. We drove to Tikal for 5:20 in the morning to see the sunrise. Alas, we didn't have a guide, which apparently you need to have to get in before 6:00 in the morning. Diggity, looks like you'll be eating sandwiches in the parking lot.

So we missed the sunrise, big whoop. Aparently, there wasn't one to be seen anyway, as there was a tonne of cloud cover. The good part of all of this, is that we were in at 6:00 before the crowds arrived. And that is special. We had the whole place to ourselves!

("OMG! It's a temple!")

("OMG! It's another temple!")

("OMG! It's a... Wait, we can climb this? Ding DONG!")

Just FYI, if you're considering going, the cost tripled two months ago, it's now 150Q, not 50Q. And in other news, sneak-ins are on the rise in Tikal.

Stage Four: Full moon sunset.

As the tour busses were rolling into Tikal, we were rolling out. We went back to a small town on an island in the middle of a small lake, called Flores. It was really quite laid back there, and had a good hostel, so we stayed for a few days.

This level is deceptibly easy. The only thing you have to do, is avoid getting shit on by a parrot.

(a hostel pet in Guatemala)

(It's always nice to have company when you eat. Probably looking for his family. Unfortunately for him, I think he will see them on another plane sooner than later; it was almost dinner hour.)

(a less than spectacular sunset, but still tranquil and beautiful)

(full moon rising, full sun setting)

(nooooooooo!)

As you can see, I had to repeat this level a few times.

Stage Five: Cave, tube, chill.

We parted ways with Charles in Flores. He is on a tighter schedule than us, and decided to shove on quickly. After a few days, Logan and I hopped in a shuttle bus and went down to Lanquin.

Lanquin is a very quiet little place, surrounded by mountains and water.

(dusk in Lanquin)

The hostel we stayed at was packed full of tourists just there to hang out, relax, and spend some time in nature. It was nestled beside a little river that you could tube down, or just use to cool off during the hot days. I haven't stopped sweating in months.

(cutting the hostel grass: John Deere really needs to do some better market research)

(down by the river)

(home sweet home, well at least, the loft on top of the 2nd door)

And about 30 minutes away by truck was one of the most beautiful natural wonders in Guatemala, called Semuc Champey.

(taking a time-out, getting down with the nature)

(great appreciation for this beautiful scene)

Semuc was a fantastic trip. First, you get a chance to jump off a great rope swing. Then, they give you candles and guide you through an extensive cave system. You wade and swim your way through by candle-light. Here it becomes clear that you're no longer in Kansas, Toto. In Canada, this would definitely be a helmet-required expedition. Here, the guides don't even wait for you.

Next, you tube lazily down the river (if this were Laos, there would've been people pulling us into their beer shacks with bamboo -- alas, they're not as entrepreneurial here). Then you go and jump off a bridge. "Liability? What is that?"

(why we have insurance)

(hint: when jumping from such great heights, close your legs and your jaw)

(cross-legged with the peace signs: mad style points)

Finally they give you a few hours to just walk around the grounds, go exploring, and buy some chocolate.